Today has been a not so-good day…meh. Woke up at 6 and couldn’t go back to sleep besides I think for 30 more minutes. Mike text me asking if he could pick up Kimora. I told him no. I know it was wrong and I should’ve let him take her but I was still upset that he no-showed yesterday without an explanation. I hate that he thinks it’s okay to do things like that and then I’m supposed to turn around and be nice to him…I’m sorry but that’s not how things work. I know it’s not about me, it’s about Kimora and I shouldn’t put her in the middle…I know all these things and yet I still told him no. I feel bad about it but I just can’t help it. He said I knew today was his day off and that he was gonna come get her. I knew it was his day off only because I pay attention when he tells me these things but he never said anything about coming to get her. I told him he can pick her up tomorrow but I’m pretty sure he’s not. We’ll see.
My sister seems to like to talk shit to me more and more as we get older. I’m not sure what I did to her or if she’s just like that with everyone. Either way she was trying to make me feel bad because I’m having a c-section. I don’t think that she remembered that I had an emergency c-section with Kimora. Once you have a c-section usually the next babies are born that way too. Most doctors will not even let you try to deliver normal. There are doctors that will do it but you have to find them and that’s if you feel comfortable trying to the normal route. I for one don’t. There’s a reason why I had to have a c-section. I don’t want to take any chances and neither do both doctors I’ve had. To me mine and my son’s health is way more important than me feeling I have to prove anything to anyone by having a normal delivery. My luck is I would try to have a normal delivery and end up needing another emergency c-section…or something worse happening. Sorry, not taking the risk. Sure it makes me feel weird making an appointment to just have my child taken out of me. Yes, I wish badly I could’ve delivered normally. No, I don’t look to the recovery from a c-section. But thing happen for a reason and I’m not fighting it. I rather be safe than sorry.
June 23, 2009
Okay yesterday work was fine. Didn’t do much. Accidentally took a nap while Kimora was gone with my mom. Which is probably why I couldn’t sleep last. Add Little Mikey dancing around in my belly until well past midnight. I think I fell asleep somewhere around 2. Then Kimora woke up at 3 and then 4…I’ve found that she really can’t sleep with clothes on. I made the mistake of putting a footsie pajama on her so I think that’s what made her wake up so much. After I took it off her she stayed asleep until around 9.
So today I’m in the bathroom straightening my hair. My mom had gone to La Porte to see my grandma and she took Kimora with her so the house was quiet and my sister was on the phone. I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop but I could her talking and I heard her say something about “…don’t take that shit…” So I start listening thinking she’s being a good friend and telling whoever it was on the phone to not take some drug…as in the kind that fucks you up. The more I listen the more I realize she’s talking about birth control. Oh shit So I hear her say something about …”just go to the doctor so your mom thinks you’re taking it but don’t” I’m assuming the 18 year old’s mom found out she’s having sex and now her mom wants her to go get on birth control. I sit there contemplating if I want to go say anything and risk my sister getting mad because I’m listening to her. It’s not like I was trying to listen…it’s just I could hear her. I finally say fuck it. Something needs to be said. So I go in there and ask what she’s talking about. She gets pissed off and says that she doesn’t have to explain anything to me and for me not to listen. I explain that I’m not sure what she’s talking about but if it’s what I think she’s talking about she’s giving bad advice. She says she’s not giving bad advice and tells me to put headphones on. I go back to the bathroom and she continues to try to convince her friend to “just be careful” and that “it could mess you up later on in life” and that “you’re gonna have crazy mood swings” I’m just getting more and more pissed off as I hear her say all this ignorant shit. Mostly because it makes me realize that when/if my sister has sex…she’s not gonna be on birth control. It just worries me. “Just being careful” has got me where I am today, 31 weeks pregnant. I’m pretty sure if I had got on birth control after I had Kimora I wouldn’t be sitting right here. This isn’t about me though. It’s about how ignorant my sister is being and then the fact that she’s forcing it upon her friend. From the sound of it her friend thought birth control was a good thing and the whole conversation was my sister trying to convince her otherwise. If they hadn’t just graduated high school then fuck it they would be old enough to make their own decisions. But they’re not. They’re 18 years old and have no idea how shit works, apparently. I respect the fact that my sister is a vegetarian, it takes alot of willpower to be one. I respect that she doesn’t use the dryer…because she wants to make a difference. Or how she buys shit that is made organically. Or how she wants to recycle everything. I respect all that but her problem is she tries to force her views and opinions on everyone. Even when she’s wrong…like now. Sure there have been people who couldn’t have babies after they were on birth control. Sure there are girls who get mood swings…with or without birthcontrol. But the pros of birth control outweigh the cons and she has living proof living in the same house as her. I don’t see how she can be so smart…yet so dumb. I’m thinking about writing her an email and letting her know how I feel but a big part of me knows I’ll just be wasting my time.
I had my doctor’s appointment today. Mike had said that he was gonna come. Yesterday he asked what time it would be at and I didn’t feel like going to my car to check to tell him so I said I would let him know this morning. So I text him and he said he would be there. I got to the doctor’s office only like 3 minutes before my appt. I was actually surprised to see him not there. They don’t call me back until about 2:45 and he never showed. I was pretty damn disappointed. He’s never said he was gonna be there and then not show…at least not for a doctor’s appointment. Well life goes on and me and the doctor call the hospital and schedule the c-section for August 18 and 7:30 in the morning. We listen to the heartbeat and it’s a strong 153. So Little Mikey is doing good. I weigh 125 now…Finally back to my weight before I had Kimora lol After I leave the doctor’s office I send Mike a message telling him that I was disappointed in him, when we scheduled the c-section for, and that he no longer needed to worry about going to the appointments with me. He really hurt my feelings this time. He ended up calling a little after 4 but his calls are automatically forwarded to my voicemail now and I honestly had nothing to say to him so I didn’t call back. He didn’t try calling again or texting me so…oh well.
June 22, 2009
I think it might be too good to be true. Last night Kimora didn’t wake up at all. Slept straight until 6 this morning. I really thought there was gonna be a lot more crying and resistance from her but I’m really glad there wasn’t. If only it just took a few days to potty train her. I’m not rushing her though.
This weekend has left me exhausted. Worked Friday night, worked a catering for a wedding on Saturday, and yesterday was Father’s Day so it was pretty busy. I have to go in today at 11 and tomorrow at 11:30. I will be happy when I get my days off. The good thing is I made pretty good money so I can hopefully put some of it in the bank for when I can’t work after the baby is born. Mike says that he paid $700 on child support but for some reason I really highly doubt that. I have no idea where he would come up with that much money but then I don’t know why he would make up something like that. We’ll see.
June 21, 2009
The past two night have gone pretty good with taking the bottle from Kimora. Two nights ago she only whined for it once then woke up around 5 for a bottle and last night she slept until 5. She does go back to sleep after her 5 o’clock bottle but that’s fine to me. When she gets up around 8 or 9 she has breakfast so I think this is going to get alot better and I sleep better so all around positive!
This morning I woke up in a good mood. I’ve been kind of avoiding Mike the past few days just because I don’t want him to think that we are working things out. He’s been coming around alot and that’s fine for Kimora but not for me. Last night he text me asking why I haven’t responded to his calls or texts and I honestly didn’t get one since Friday so I think that was just his way of saying, “why haven’t you called me?” Like I used to do when we got along. Today being Father’s Day I sent him a text saying Happy Father’s Day Love, Kimora and the baby. Then he wrote back saying Thanks Love yall too. Which is not what I meant it as but I just ignored then he asked me to call him and he didn’t have much to say. I honestly think that he wanted to me to be like let’s do something for Father’s Day. He was being all quiet so I said Ok I’ll ttyl. I text him saying there was no point to the conversation then he said that he wanted to see us but that I was acting funny. I was like right. It just irritated the hell out of then he said why aren’t you gonna let me see my baby on father’s day. I thought to myself hell no! I couldn’t believe he was even trying to say that so I told him he could come get her in 30 minutes. Well an HOUR later he ends up saying that he’s just gonna leave me alone and that I must be in a bad mood and that he hoped my day brightened up. I was like haha I knew you weren’t gonna come get her. I hadn’t even got her dressed because I honestly knew something like this was gonna happen. I explained to him that at the time it was already 30 minutes past the time that I told him he could come pick her up. Then he showed up at my house. It became this huge talk and my dad was home so my dad got into it. He said a bunch of shit and tried defending himself about all kinds of stuff. Stuff I didn’t even bring up. He also had the nerve to say that the only time I let him see Kimora is when he’s trying to be with me. I told him the only time he even comes around is when he’s trying to be with me. Other than that I don’t hear from him and he doesn’t try to see her. He says that I keep her from him and I don’t let him see her when he tries. I have no idea when these times are. There has been 3 times that I didn’t let him pick her up on purpose. Other than that he has no excuse. Then he brought up that he had a job and couldn’t just come see her on his weekends. I was like okay but YOU DIDN’T HAVE A JOB!!! It was just all bullshit and more lies and contradictions to things he has said in the past. A bunch of crap that I don’t want to keep reliving over and over again. He tries so hard to make himself look good and make everyone around him believe he’s a good guy. I’m one of the very few people that sees right through him and doesn’t fall for his shit and won’t just sit back quietly. My dad said I was wrong and for some things I am but it’s only because I expect so much more from him. I get frustrated that he doesn’t see life for what it really is. He doesn’t see what’s really important. I feel like somehow maybe I can get him to understand or see what I see. I’m starting to see I’m wasting my time. I’m not doing anybody any good. The hardest part is accepting that my kids don’t have the kind of father they deserve. It’s hard to just sit back and say okay they’ll see it one day for themselves. I just wish there was a way to make him change before they’re old enough to understand. I am dreading the day Kimora or Michael asks me where their daddy is. The day they sit here waiting for daddy to come pick them up and he never shows. The day they’re promised to go do something and end up waiting and wondering where he went instead. They day they wonder what was more important to daddy than coming to see them. I’ll take care of them never needing anything like food or clothes but it’s the things that they’ll need for forever that I wont be able to give them. I can’t make Mike see what he’s missing out on and it hurts. Not only for my kids but for him too because I know one day he will see it. I have a pretty good feeling the day he sees it it’s gonna be too late. He’s a good father, when he’s around. I can give him that but he’s just not around enough to be an actual father. He’s just the man that comes around when he feels like it.
Well taking the bottle away from Kimora last night went pretty good. She whined for it a few times but I just sat there waiting for her to start screaming and she didnt! Then she finally woke up around 3:45 and whined and then really cried and woke up and got out of the bed so she walked with me to the kitchen and I made her a bottle around 4. She whined for it around 6 but then didn’t get up until almost 8…I really thought this was gonna go way worse then it actually did so I’m really happy. Sooner or later she will sleep the whole night without whining or waking for a bottle at all. I seriously think that she’s been needing a bottle more and more lately so I felt this needed to be done. I don’t think it’s good her teeth anyways to sleep with a bottle so this is a good thing. Plus in 2 months I can’t be waking up to make bottles for two babies!! Well I could if I was having twins lol but seeing as how I’m not, bottles for one baby is enough for me.
Feeling alot of anxiety about nursing school. Might need to cry. I dont know what I’ll do if I don’t get accepted anywhere. I know I should think positive but I just don’t know. I feel like I have a good chance but you never really know…then if I do get accepted, I know it’s going to be so hard. I know people go out there and do it everyday but what if it all becomes too much for me? It’s gonna suck living at my parents’ house and dealing with their shit plus school plus raising two kids basically on my own unless Mike gets his shit together before then and actually starts helping me like he’s supposed to. I don’t know…I’m gonna go read and try to calm down.
Went to the Houston Zoo today. It was neat but way too hot. I haven’t been to the zoo since I was little. I didn’t even remember it. It was cool to see all the animals, especially the endangered ones. It was sad to see a few. Like the ones who’s natural habitat is cold weather. I don’t have fur and I felt like passing out myself so I can’t imagine how those animals felt. Kimora liked it. She was amazed by all the animals and she got to play in one of those areas that water shoots up from the ground randomly. Which reminds me I need to take her to the one on the Kemah Boardwalk. I actually haven’t been there since…she was little. We ate at Babin’s, I think. I think it was when I lived with Jennifer so about a year ago. I’m glad I went. This morning I woke up in a horrible mood and didn’t even wanna go. I didn’t feel like going anywhere and I think I just didn’t feel like being around Mike. He didn’t do anything to me…I was just in a bad mood. He kept trying to joke and laugh with me on the way up there but everything he did irritated the shit out of me and I kept telling him to just leave me alone. We were almost there and we almost turned around to go home but didn’t. It turned out okay. Then when we were leaving, getting the stroller into the car he tried to give me a hug and I pushed him away. I wasn’t trying to be rude but he got mad. I didn’t even realize it until we stopped at a McDonald’s and he looked like something was wrong. I thought he was tired or had a headache or was irritated from traffic but turned out to be he got his feelings hurt when he tried to give me a hug. Which is kind of understandable because if I went to give someone a hug and they just pushed me away I would feel like a dumbass…well we ended up talking about shit allllll the way home which was uncomfortable. I think he’s trying to make things right and…for me I just don’t think I can trust him. I tried explaining that to him. That there’s just too much shit in our past for things to just one day go back to normal. He’s been coming around and doing things with us and going to the doctor appointments but…I just don’t feel like it’s enough. Maybe I expect too much from him. I can tell it hurts his feellings…but in the long run, I care more about my feelings than his. I can’t put myself in a situation where I’m 90% sure I’ll get hurt. Maybe he has changed and if so, good for him, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna go running back to him or being nice to him. It might be wrong what I’m doing because I feel like I’m holding onto a grudge that I just need to let go. But I don’t know how. It still hurts and anytime he says anything I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. It could be the simplest thing in the world and I just don’t believe him. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing it…but I just can’t trust him. I’m glad he comes around and we get to do stuff but for now I don’t want to put myself out there.
Since my class for the summer got cancelled I haven’t been doing much. Just sitting around at home. During the week I work mornings and weekends, at night. I put in my applications for the University of Texas Health Science Center in Houston and Texas Woman’s University. They’re both in the Medical Center so it would be a drive from Texas City but completely worth it. UTHS needs me to take the NET (Nurse Entrance Test) which is $40 and I take it in 10 days. TWU has a difference process where I first get accepted to the university then I have to take a test called the HESI2 or something like that to see if I get accepted into the nursing program. Who knows how much that is. I’m waiting to hear back if I got accepted or not. I can check online for UTHS and they still haven’t received my transcript from COM so I don’t think TWU has either. I’ll keep checking everyday. I guess TWU lets me know through the mail so it’s all so suspenseful and I really hate waiting but that’s how it goes. In the fall I’ll be taking 3 classes. Two are online so it won’t be that bad. My c-section is supposed to be scheduled for either August 17th or 18th and I believe class starts the 25 or somewhere around there. It’s gonna be hard but I NEED these classes to be able to start nursing school in the spring, if I get accepted. I need to hurry up and put my application in at UTMB too. I’ll do that sometime this week. It’s just so many fees. I know in the end it’s all worth it but it’s money I don’t have.
Kimora is doing fine. My mom is making me feel pressured to potty train her before the baby gets here which would be fine if I thought Kimora was ready. I just don’t see how I can potty train her when she doesn’t let me know ahead of time that she has to go. She’s used the potty a few times but I don’t think she knows how to let us know. I can tell she knows she’s not supposed to go in her diaper but I just don’t think she fully understands. She also doesn’t talk which my mom makes me feel bad about. I guess because me and my siblings started talking at her age so she expects Kimora to also. I try explaining to her that babies are different. We don’t have the same genes as Kimora. Different kids develop at different rates. I don’t think anything is wrong with her because she doesn’t talk yet. She’s growing just fine and she’s happy. To me, that’s all that matters. The one thing that does bother me is that she still needs her bottle at night. My mom freaks out if I let her cry though so it’s kind of hard to just take it from her when I live in their house and don’t wanna piss them off with a screaming baby in the middle of the night, which is what will happen if I don’t give it to her. I think soon though they’re just gonna have to deal with it though.
Well I was sleepy before I even started typing this so it’s off to bed for me.
Edit: More recent picture of me and Kimora up. I told my mom I wanna take Kimora off the bottle. At least during the night, for now. She said she was gonna cry alot and I said I know. But she didn’t make a big deal about it!! So that’s a good thing. We’ll see how that goes though…
Oh and I had crawfish today, which was delicious!!
Friday started off as a good day for me. I went to class. Made a pretty good day on that days test. Found out I don’t have class this coming Friday. Went to the bank and to my mom’s house. I was getting ready to leave when Mike text me.
M: I miss your mean hateful ass
C: Damn I didn’t know I was all that
M: What do you have to do today?
C: Work at 5:30
M: Is that it?
M: Ok get you and my baby dressed. I have somewhere to take yall. Bring your camera
My first thought is why should I? Then I think well at least I get to go take pictures somewhere. He hasn’t seen his daughter in over a week so maybe this will be good for him. So I go pick up Kimora from her babysitter’s and go home and get ready. He gets there and he dresses Kimora while I finish getting ready. We leave and he asks if I’m hungry. I reply
We decide that we don’t have enough time to sit down and eat so we get McDonald’s. I tell him he can’t really surprise me because I already know where we’re going. He says he doesn’t think I know. So I start to wonder where else he could be taking us. In the end, I turned out to be right. The San Jacinto Monument. The place he’s been telling me he would take me since I was pregnant.
Kimora is so happy to be with her daddy.
We decide to go for a walk on the path that’s out there and we come to a gazebo. Mike realizes he has to pee.
Then we drive over to the Battleship
Kimora fell asleep