Father’s Day

The past two night have gone pretty good with taking the bottle from Kimora. Two nights ago she only whined for it once then woke up around 5 for a bottle and last night she slept until 5. She does go back to sleep after her 5 o’clock bottle but that’s fine to me. When she gets up around 8 or 9 she has breakfast so I think this is going to get alot better and I sleep better so all around positive!

This morning I woke up in a good mood. I’ve been kind of avoiding Mike the past few days just because I don’t want him to think that we are working things out. He’s been coming around alot and that’s fine for Kimora but not for me. Last night he text me asking why I haven’t responded to his calls or texts and I honestly didn’t get one since Friday so I think that was just his way of saying, “why haven’t you called me?” Like I used to do when we got along. Today being Father’s Day I sent him a text saying Happy Father’s Day Love, Kimora and the baby. Then he wrote back saying Thanks Love yall too. Which is not what I meant it as but I just ignored then he asked me to call him and he didn’t have much to say. I honestly think that he wanted to me to be like let’s do something for Father’s Day. He was being all quiet so I said Ok I’ll ttyl. I text him saying there was no point to the conversation then he said that he wanted to see us but that I was acting funny. I was like right. It just irritated the hell out of then he said why aren’t you gonna let me see my baby on father’s day. I thought to myself hell no! I couldn’t believe he was even trying to say that so I told him he could come get her in 30 minutes. Well an HOUR later he ends up saying that he’s just gonna leave me alone and that I must be in a bad mood and that he hoped my day brightened up. I was like haha I knew you weren’t gonna come get her. I hadn’t even got her dressed because I honestly knew something like this was gonna happen. I explained to him that at the time it was already 30 minutes past the time that I told him he could come pick her up. Then he showed up at my house. It became this huge talk and my dad was home so my dad got into it. He said a bunch of shit and tried defending himself about all kinds of stuff. Stuff I didn’t even bring up. He also had the nerve to say that the only time I let him see Kimora is when he’s trying to be with me. I told him the only time he even comes around is when he’s trying to be with me. Other than that I don’t hear from him and he doesn’t try to see her. He says that I keep her from him and I don’t let him see her when he tries. I have no idea when these times are. There has been 3 times that I didn’t let him pick her up on purpose. Other than that he has no excuse. Then he brought up that he had a job and couldn’t just come see her on his weekends. I was like okay but YOU DIDN’T HAVE A JOB!!! It was just all bullshit and more lies and contradictions to things he has said in the past. A bunch of crap that I don’t want to keep reliving over and over again. He tries so hard to make himself look good and make everyone around him believe he’s a good guy. I’m one of the very few people that sees right through him and doesn’t fall for his shit and won’t just sit back quietly. My dad said I was wrong and for some things I am but it’s only because I expect so much more from him. I get frustrated that he doesn’t see life for what it really is. He doesn’t see what’s really important. I feel like somehow maybe I can get him to understand or see what I see. I’m starting to see I’m wasting my time. I’m not doing anybody any good. The hardest part is accepting that my kids don’t have the kind of father they deserve. It’s hard to just sit back and say okay they’ll see it one day for themselves. I just wish there was a way to make him change before they’re old enough to understand. I am dreading the day Kimora or Michael asks me where their daddy is. The day they sit here waiting for daddy to come pick them up and he never shows. The day they’re promised to go do something and end up waiting and wondering where he went instead. They day they wonder what was more important to daddy than coming to see them. I’ll take care of them never needing anything like food or clothes but it’s the things that they’ll need for forever that I wont be able to give them. I can’t make Mike see what he’s missing out on and it hurts. Not only for my kids but for him too because I know one day he will see it. I have a pretty good feeling the day he sees it it’s gonna be too late. He’s a good father, when he’s around. I can give him that but he’s just not around enough to be an actual father. He’s just the man that comes around when he feels like it.