Went to the Houston Zoo today. It was neat but way too hot. I haven’t been to the zoo since I was little. I didn’t even remember it. It was cool to see all the animals, especially the endangered ones. It was sad to see a few. Like the ones who’s natural habitat is cold weather. I don’t have fur and I felt like passing out myself so I can’t imagine how those animals felt. Kimora liked it. She was amazed by all the animals and she got to play in one of those areas that water shoots up from the ground randomly. Which reminds me I need to take her to the one on the Kemah Boardwalk. I actually haven’t been there since…she was little. We ate at Babin’s, I think. I think it was when I lived with Jennifer so about a year ago. I’m glad I went. This morning I woke up in a horrible mood and didn’t even wanna go. I didn’t feel like going anywhere and I think I just didn’t feel like being around Mike. He didn’t do anything to me…I was just in a bad mood. He kept trying to joke and laugh with me on the way up there but everything he did irritated the shit out of me and I kept telling him to just leave me alone. We were almost there and we almost turned around to go home but didn’t. It turned out okay. Then when we were leaving, getting the stroller into the car he tried to give me a hug and I pushed him away. I wasn’t trying to be rude but he got mad. I didn’t even realize it until we stopped at a McDonald’s and he looked like something was wrong. I thought he was tired or had a headache or was irritated from traffic but turned out to be he got his feelings hurt when he tried to give me a hug. Which is kind of understandable because if I went to give someone a hug and they just pushed me away I would feel like a dumbass…well we ended up talking about shit allllll the way home which was uncomfortable. I think he’s trying to make things right and…for me I just don’t think I can trust him. I tried explaining that to him. That there’s just too much shit in our past for things to just one day go back to normal. He’s been coming around and doing things with us and going to the doctor appointments but…I just don’t feel like it’s enough. Maybe I expect too much from him. I can tell it hurts his feellings…but in the long run, I care more about my feelings than his. I can’t put myself in a situation where I’m 90% sure I’ll get hurt. Maybe he has changed and if so, good for him, but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna go running back to him or being nice to him. It might be wrong what I’m doing because I feel like I’m holding onto a grudge that I just need to let go. But I don’t know how. It still hurts and anytime he says anything I don’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. It could be the simplest thing in the world and I just don’t believe him. Sometimes I feel like I’m losing it…but I just can’t trust him. I’m glad he comes around and we get to do stuff but for now I don’t want to put myself out there.

Since my class for the summer got cancelled I haven’t been doing much. Just sitting around at home. During the week I work mornings and weekends, at night. I put in my applications for the University of Texas Health Science Center in Houston and Texas Woman’s University. They’re both in the Medical Center so it would be a drive from Texas City but completely worth it. UTHS needs me to take the NET (Nurse Entrance Test) which is $40 and I take it in 10 days. TWU has a difference process where I first get accepted to the university then I have to take a test called the HESI2 or something like that to see if I get accepted into the nursing program. Who knows how much that is. I’m waiting to hear back if I got accepted or not. I can check online for UTHS and they still haven’t received my transcript from COM so I don’t think TWU has either. I’ll keep checking everyday. I guess TWU lets me know through the mail so it’s all so suspenseful and I really hate waiting but that’s how it goes. In the fall I’ll be taking 3 classes. Two are online so it won’t be that bad. My c-section is supposed to be scheduled for either August 17th or 18th and I believe class starts the 25 or somewhere around there. It’s gonna be hard but I NEED these classes to be able to start nursing school in the spring, if I get accepted. I need to hurry up and put my application in at UTMB too. I’ll do that sometime this week. It’s just so many fees. I know in the end it’s all worth it but it’s money I don’t have.

Kimora is doing fine. My mom is making me feel pressured to potty train her before the baby gets here which would be fine if I thought Kimora was ready. I just don’t see how I can potty train her when she doesn’t let me know ahead of time that she has to go. She’s used the potty a few times but I don’t think she knows how to let us know. I can tell she knows she’s not supposed to go in her diaper but I just don’t think she fully understands. She also doesn’t talk which my mom makes me feel bad about. I guess because me and my siblings started talking at her age so she expects Kimora to also. I try explaining to her that babies are different. We don’t have the same genes as Kimora. Different kids develop at different rates. I don’t think anything is wrong with her because she doesn’t talk yet. She’s growing just fine and she’s happy. To me, that’s all that matters. The one thing that does bother me is that she still needs her bottle at night. My mom freaks out if I let her cry though so it’s kind of hard to just take it from her when I live in their house and don’t wanna piss them off with a screaming baby in the middle of the night, which is what will happen if I don’t give it to her. I think soon though they’re just gonna have to deal with it though.

Well I was sleepy before I even started typing this so it’s off to bed for me.

Edit: More recent picture of me and Kimora up. I told my mom I wanna take Kimora off the bottle. At least during the night, for now. She said she was gonna cry alot and I said I know. But she didn’t make a big deal about it!! So that’s a good thing. We’ll see how that goes though…

Oh and I had crawfish today, which was delicious!!